Closing Chapters

Oftentimes, in life, we look back on our past and can visibly see chapters of our lives. We can see when an opportunity didn’t happen for a reason, we can see why relationships failed, or when you moved on from a certain phase of your life. Sometimes we can feel ashamed when we look back on times in our lives, sometimes we are sad because certain times are over, and sometimes we are relieved. 

Currently, I am in a strange phase of my life where I can emotionally feel a chapter of my life closing. A version of myself vanishing.  Feeling it happen is so foreign, normally chapters closing are very silent. This one is closing loudly with a roar. I hear it and I don’t know how to feel about it, I feel a sense of uneasiness washed with a sense of comfort. How do you react when you feel a whole piece of your life, and self, are closing? 

I am at a time in my life where I am having a lot of firsts;

First time being away from home as long as I am.

First time in a long-distance relationship.

First time realizing that I do not have to like everyone and they certainly do not have to like me. 

First time openly saying I have social-anxiety. 

First time feeling like a small fish in a VERY big sea.

First time feeling like no amount of effort will change how much my friends talk to me or put in the effort.

First time truly connecting to people and watch them move back to their homes all over the US. 

First time coming to terms with the fact that I am on my own timeline, and where other people are in life compared to me doesn’t matter. 

First time truly calling myself out on my bullshit. 

First time embracing how sensitive I truly am.

First time proudly proclaiming who I am and not backing down just because I am different.

I can feel myself growing and changing, but part of me wants to hold on so dearly to this old version of myself. I am quite nostalgic in the sense that this old version got me through rough times in college, health issues, drama on drama on drama, loss of friends, and so much more. I don’t want to see her go, yet I am looking forward to who I becoming and where this next chapter of life takes me.

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