Karly.Ann.Love

When I think about heartbreaks I always think about the movies. They make them look like a beautiful transforming process. The main character always somehow gets through everything smoothly and quickly, then ends up being better than ever before. 

The good and bad parts are shown but they hide the truly ugly parts. 

The parts when you spend days on end crying and doing absolutely nothing.

They leave out where you text and call your ex inappropriate things at the worst times possible. 

Instead they put sappy acoustic music in the background as they throw a fast forwarded montage scene of the healing process on the screen. They attempt to convince you that people only come out on the other side better, when in all reality some of us come out bruised, dazed, and confused

They forget to mention the withdrawals of physical touch you feel. For me, I physically start to hurt during the withdrawal process. At a point I become so sad and so lonely no matter how many people surround me I get physical shakes. I try journaling or enjoying a hot cup of tea to feel better but it is practically impossible I shake so much. 

Movies make heartbreak seem like you are a lame caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly. What they leave out is that even if walking away was your decision, it is not beautiful. It is painful as hell and sometimes we fight the process over and over again. 

How I imagine it is that other people are in charge of the cocoon process. We can either choose to accept it, or we rip off the layers over and over again until we are laying there in pain, exposed all over again. Rejecting the process happens more often than not.

Heartbreaks shatter identities. For me I am going through a break up with my boyfriend of 3 years. The longest relationship I have ever had the pleasure of being in. There were ups and downs, but still to the last day I saw my entire future with him. He was the first person that truly made me think I could do the marriage and kids thing, hell the first one to truly make me WANT that. When I packed up my stuff and moved out I saw my whole future shattering. Who am I in the future if I am not his wife? Who am I in the future if he is not my best friend and the father of my children? Who will I be if I lose him as a support system? 

For a period of time a wave of, “I am nothing,” washes over the heartbroken and it is so damn hard to claw and climb out of that dangerous hole. I am convinced some people never do, or at least they never do it alone. 

Why does no one talk about the slap in the face when your ex jumps into a new relationship? I tried the whole, “friendly break up” thing. I was damn good at faking it, until I wasn’t. Until he told me that after a month and a half he was already exclusive with someone new. After he told me that her toothbrush and shampoo was in the house WE MADE A HOME. The home I pictured possibly bringing my first child into. And dare I say it, fucking this new girl in the bed we picked out together and next to the dresser and nightstands we remade. All while I hadn’t even gone on a single date out of respect for him. 

Why does nobody talk about how for months on end we try to convince ourselves that the break up is what’s best even if you don’t want it to be and all you want to be with them.

Most of all:

WHY ISN’T THIS PAIN NORMALIZED. 

Why is it not okay to talk about all the pain you are feeling without being made out to be weak? Why can I not discuss that no matter how many times people say it’s for the best, or lie to your face that you are better than his new girl, you are still so incredibly hurt? Why is that not okay?  Why can’t I say that I am lonely without being pitied? Why can’t I discuss that I am having trouble sleeping because I have slept with someone next to me for the past 3 years? 

Why can’t I say how afraid for the future I am?  

I am convinced that we never truly lose the people we love, how can we when they are a part of us?  I would not be who I am today without those 3 years with him, I am and forever be grateful for the time I spent with him. I hope he feels the same.