Reso-late-lutions

Yes yes I know it is the first day of March, and you are probably thinking, “Karly you missed the time allowed to talk about resolutions!” And in a way I agree with those who think that, but then again the two resolutions I am going to mention in this blog are incredibly important to me so I want to use this post to be a reminder.

The first resolution I have is to trust. Trust God. Trust my friends. Trust my family. Trust my heart. Trust my knowledge.Trust myself.

The Bible repeatedly tells us to trust God. Maybe not bluntly, but in many passages the message is to do so. I understand this. I understand the fact the he has unconditional love for me. I understand he sent his only son to die for MY sins. Yet why can I not fully trust him? I have this constant battle between surrendering it all to him, and only letting him help me with half of my struggles. He who created the universe. He who makes all things right. He who will love me and comfort me far more than anyone I could come into contact with. Gosh why cant my brain just hook onto that and feed off of it. I understand it, but my resolution is to let this consume and fill me up. I need to trust in his plan for my future, and trust he will provide what I need whether it be money or a confidence boost ; Trust God with my whole being.

Not many people realize this but I have major trust issues. I will go day by day pretending I trust the people around me so they do not feel insulted, but I confess I do not trust many people. Even if you might think I do. That sounds rude, but I cant help it. I cannot help the fact the I have been living my life with the same people for 6 months and there is only one person I can say I semi-trust. I see this as a problem. How can I fully be myself, or let out my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed if there is no one I trust around me? I mean, yes, I can call up one of my best friends who are hundreds of miles away, but nothing could beat having someone right there next to me eating junk food and getting sad with. So my resolution is to let people in and trust them, because like Earnest Hemingway said “the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

Then trust myself. Oh boy, oh boy. Do you ever just feel super insecure? Not just about appearances or how stupid you sound when you talk, but about your intelligence or social skills? Well I do. Sometimes I will be talking to someone and I just think to myself, “Why would anyone in this world care about one single thing I say.” Then other times I will be writing about a topic and I think, “Wow this is only something someone who is smart should be writing about, I bet anything I write will not make sense, oh great.” This semester I want to apply myself so much that I cannot deny the fact that I am intelligent enough to be typing about the topic given to me. I also want to just let go of my expectations for myself, as in how I look or need to act, and trust that I am good enough.

My second resolution I have is to remember every second might be my last.

The other day in one of my classes my teacher mentioned this. She spoke about how she tries to live in every moment, and outing she gets. For example running errands with your mom, though it may be a silly task that is a necessity you may never get to create those memories again, so make the most of it. Be in the moment. And live it up, because how much would you regret just going through the motions of something with someone if you found out that was the last time you got to do that with them, or just flat out get to be with them. We are not guaranteed any amount of time in life, so expecting to see someone tomorrow, or be alive yourself tomorrow isn’t realistic. Make the most of every moment, and make every moment a memory for other people too 🙂

Yes; I am alive and well.

Wow has it really been 3 months since I’ve been on here last?

Man oh man, the time has flown by. With my first time tackling college finals, and making the most out of my breaks, then readjusting to college life; I. Have. Been. Busy.

So let me recap;

  • I surprised my family by coming home for Thanksgiving break.
  • In December my first semester of college came to an end. And Yes, I survived my finals without too many break downs or freak outs.
  • After my finals I flew home for Christmas break where I spent every minute of it going, going, going.
  • And NOW I have been in school again for about a month.

Like I said time has been flying by. I can still remember my moms reaction to me coming home, and exhausted I felt writing my exegetical as if they both happened yesterday.

Being back at APU is both a relief and depressing. It is relieving because I know that I am in my second semester, finishing up my freshman year. Which means I get to go home for 4 months once I am finished. But it is also depressing because I still have 3 months worth of work and tests I have to push through, and excel in before I can go home. Don’t get me wrong I love APU, and being able to go to the beach when I want or drive around LA, but there comes a point when Family and Friends you are close with is who you want to be surrounded by rather than the people you have only known for 4 months.

People often tell you;

  1. “You will find your friends for life in college”
  2. “Campus involvement is key”
  3. “You find your confidence in college”
  4. “You have to know your major before you start college”
  5. “Some of the best times of your life will happen in college”

Let me tell you it is not as easy as everyone makes it seem.             

Yeah, making friends can be easy; go up to someone, say hello, take part in a memorable conversation, then later ask them to hangout, and BOOM! friendship. Though you may become friends, finding deep friendships where connections and meaningful conversations happen is not that simple. A friendship with someone where you can pour your heart out to them is special and does not occur with everyone you become friends with, there has to be a “click” or “connection” with someone, just as there has to be with that boy/girl you may be interested in. And do not think I am crazy, because whether or not you have realized it, I am correct.

Okay. Yes, Campus involvement is important and everyone should take part in it, but no one tells you just how competitive it is. So far I have applied and interviewed for two different campus teams. (A Campus Life Coordinator and a Living Area Counsel position) And I got neither of them. So do not assume just because you want to be involved on campus that it is a given. One has to work for it and be “what they are looking for” or else you will be denied. No, I am not saying to change yourself in oder to be that perfect person for the position you want, but I am saying do not get down on yourself for being denied because there is always another year and or another opportunity.

Confidence. Wooo! Lets talk about Confidence. It. Will. Not. Immediately. Boost. Just. Because. You. Are. Now. In. College. HAH! If anything it will drop once you get into college. I am not denying the fact that at some point in my college career I will slowly become more confident with myself and who I am. But as for now that is not the case. Like I said, if anything your confidence will plummet when you start attending college, and this is because you are freshly introduced to all these drop dead gorgeous girls you never knew existed and you suddenly are forced to realize just how unattractive you really are. (Well coming from a girls perspective)

When I say knowing exactly what you want to major in before college is an amazing thing, I am in no way exaggerating. Though it is true that its good to know, it is not vital. let me restate that; No you do not need to know what you want to major in with the exception of a few majors. For the most part the only majors you need to know before you attend college is; nursing, global studies, and biochemistry. So don’t sweat it if you are not positive about the major you applied with, I mean look at me I have already changed my major three times. Yes, three.

Woah, do you have fun in college. No curfew. Choosing what you want to study. Making sure you have classes with your friends. New faces. Living within walking distance of your friends. Sleeping in. Yes I have to agree that you will have a blast in college with new experiences, freedom, and a new town. But they don’t tell you that you will also have the worst days of your life. From break downs. To sleeping through a class you had a major paper due in. From boys/girls turning you down. To people you call friends forgetting to invite you everywhere. Yeah you have fun, but you also have lows.

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BUTTTTT. APU MAN >> I love this place and can easily say I could not imagine myself any other place. If anyone ever has the chance to tour APU and check it out I suggest it, because if this is the place for you then you are incredibly lucky. I say that you’re lucky because there will not be another campus so accepting, so open to changing for the better, or where your president invites you to take hikes with him and walks around campus just to connect with the students at his college. Yupp, J-Dubs is the best. Come here!

Beyond the Surface.

I have such empathy toward people around me. When they feel pain so do I. As their heart aches and longs for certain things, my heart aches and longs with them. I care so much about them that my whole being can’t help but constantly worry about those around me, desiring the best for them. I constantly crave to do whatever possible to lighten their burdens or worries, and comfort them in any way.

Though there are people surrounding me constantly, I have yet been successful in finding someone who shows sincere worry for my well being as I do for theirs. Is it wrong for me to long for such friends that do so? Back home I have such close friendships with people that I feel physical pain when I am forced to leave them. So close that not a day goes by without me wondering how they are doing, and feeling guilt that I can’t be there to assist them through whatever struggles come their way. I can’t help but wonder if it is because of a fault I have? Do people no want to be close to me? Do people not care for me because of something I do, or a way I act?

I crave for friends that I know worry and care about me in the same way I care about them. Friends I have a deep bond with. People that I have no desire to hide myself from, because I know they would never judge even the rawest form of myself. True friends that tackle spiritual questions with me, and are the first to offer me prayer in uneasy times. Friends who want to share their best moments with me, as well as their worst. And don’t mind if I share my worst moments with them as well. Friends I can have movie nights with where we just get in our pjs and cuddle up. Friends that don’t just scratch the surface. I just want the rawest form of friendship there is; where judgement is hard to find, yet uplifting and encouraging moments happen more often than not.

Mixed signals;

Have you ever met someone and after the first time you hung out with them, you had the feeling that they completely hated you. Only to find out later that you were completely wrong, and in reality they really liked you, but for some reason you picked up the signal that they weren’t trying to send?

Its crazy how we can completely misinterpret events in our lives, and how our individual characteristics, moods, confidence levels, knowledge, or hope levels could possibly alter the message that was trying to be sent to us. And how I interpreted my GYRAD date verses how my friends interpreted it, is a perfect example of this!

MY FRIENDS: Going into my GYRAD my friends were convinced my date was going with me because he thought I was cute or wanted to get to know me. They thought he was going on GYRAD as a D.A.T.E. and was super excited to go. During the date they were telling me how much he was into me, and they he constantly was flirting with me. Then by the end they were fangirling over “how cute and amazing” we were. –> They came out of it thinking we were going to be more than friends.

ME: Going into it I was convinced my date was going with me out of pity. Well, actually 5 people told me he was, and that he was taken yet was going because he thought if he didn’t go my roommate wouldn’t be able to find me another date. So I told him 3 times that he didn’t have to go. I was trying to give him a way out to save myself the embarrassment, and guilt I had been feeling because of the fact the was taking time to go with me “out of pity”. I thought of it as a d a t e, as though that was a loose term since it wasn’t a date. During the date I continually disregarded the things my friends were saying, but still thought he was having fun. Then by the end, I didn’t really know what to think. I was at this in between state of thinking he had fun, and that he didn’t/didn’t want to go. –> I came out of it thinking he might consider us friends someday soon.

You see My friends individual characteristics, moods, confidence levels, knowledge, and hope levels were different than mine was. They were super pumped for my GYRAD, they were confident he would like me, and they were VERY hopeful we would end as more than friends. While I was lacking confidence, my mood was fearful, and I had all this knowledge of people telling me he didn’t want to go. All of these things affected how we perceived the same date, and I believe God calls us to understand this.

We are called to understand this because some situations need to be looked at differently than we have been looking at them. You may be convinced God isn’t doing anything in your life, and everything is falling apart. When in reality God might want you to look at things from a different perspective and see that what you are thinking or perceiving could be completely wrong! He just might be doing something amazing in your life, yet you are too blinded by opposite thoughts that you’re missing it.

Gods Purposeful Miracles

God performs a lot of miracles, but most of the time they get thought of as just that, miracles. The part where it was God’s work goes unsaid, and it’s been weighing on my heart to give God credit for me being alive right now.

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Some may know that on July 10th of this year God decided I was worthy of one of these miracles. To be specific; As I was at the river for a friends birthday, I climbed up a cliff and on top of a giant tree root in front of a rope swing. Then as I had one hand on the rope swings handle, I was looking to the right of me as I discussed with my friends if I should take the leap or faith or not. Well lets just say my body made the decision that I should before I actually knew I was going to do so, because I somehow slipped off the tree trunk after I spun my head around to look at the river in front of me. And before I knew it I was swinging in the air with one hand on the handle, which eventually couldn’t hold my body weight anymore, slipping to my doom. (So people say) When I slipped off the handle I ended up falling about 20 feet down to the beach. I hit my butt, then back, then my head, knocking myself out for 30-45 seconds. Which explains why I remember nothing after the moment I turned my head to view the river before me.

{Pictures above // Left:Me thinking it was all a big joke as I posted to my snapchat story HAH Center: Getting some work done by awesome firefighters. Right: Tree/cliff I fell from.}

After firefighters, 2 ambulances, a cat scan, an MRI, and 3 nights in the ER; I was given the verdict that I had a bruised tailbone, a concussion, and 4 sprained ligaments in my spine. But within those 4 days, and 3 nights in the ER I heard countless stories about how I shouldn’t be walking, yet alone alive. Everyone else who had come to that hospital after going through a fall like mine, and, or a fall from that exact rope swing, never walked away from it. Yet there I was, alive, and walking out of the hospital. There is no other explanation for this other than that it was a miracle from God.

Not only did God give me this amazing miracle, he gave me a support group. People surrounded me and loved on me. They came to visit me in my four days of being there, and sent me messages filled with love. Though I attempted to keep it from as many people as I could my friends wanted everyone to know I was struggling and deserved love, which caused more people to contact me with the same worry and love they had. I never realized before that moment I had actually impacted peoples lives to the point that they were afraid of loosing me, and worried about the fact that I was in pain. I unintentionally left some sort of mark in others hearts and lives, knowing this warmed my soul almost as much as Gods loving miracle he gave me did.

I cannot explain why God chose me, or what I’m supposed to think about the fact that he did. But I thank him every day for the fact that I get to live this life that he has blessed me with. I constantly struggle with the question of “Why me? Out of all the incidents like mine, why am I the one walking away from it?”. And as of right now, God has decided that its not my time to know this answer, but to know I’m supposed to dwell on the fact that he did it for a reason.

Knowing that there was a reason behind it has caused me to constantly search for possibilities of why, and I think I have found a hint of what it could be. Recently I was talking to this guy about how he knows so many people, and his simple response was “well people are the single most amazing thing on this earth”. The truth behind that hit me hard. People are amazing. So many of them have beautiful souls that I want to get to know, that I want to help. These beautiful souls are hiding, or confused, or suffering and they need our help. Our help to not only show them the love of God and all he can do, but to show him the love that overwhelms us causing us to want to love on them as well. We need to overflow with kindness and selflessness. So that is what I have discovered. I am called to make a difference in the lives of others, and help them and much as I can.

At least that is as much as I can tell for now. I will still be asking God with a patient heart to reveal the answers to me, but I know in time he will show me and open the doors to get me where I need to be as long as I stay faithful to him and work to be all he has called me to be, because we need to never forget that “We are the clay, HE is the potter; we are all the work of His hand.” Isaiah 64:8

Cheers; To New Friends, and Unexpected Memories

Last night I was once again given the beautiful lesson that not everything needs to go the way you planned it to be amazing, all you need is wonderful people and good spirits to have an extraordinary night

“Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.     – H.P. Lovecraft

So my hall had an event called GYRAD last night, which stands for “Get your roommate a date”. Every one was expected to meet up with their dates around 5:30, then find their way over to an Ice rink in a nearby town. Unexpectedly, as my group of about 10-15 friends were getting ready to leave, 2 out of the 3 cars we were going to take had car issues, both of their batteries died. BOTH of them! Although it wasn’t ideal that this happened, not a single person in our group became discouraged or mentioned canceling the entire night, rather my group made new plans!

Instead of going ice skating, we made a group decision to walk to Chick-fil-a, then see a movie! To most people this may sound extremely silly, but when you’re surrounded by warm spirited people the simplest of plans are still filled with fun and laughter. And thats exactly what happened! We laughed the entire night and made it a blast! We even ended up seeing Big Hero 6, a pixar movie, which might I add was amazing! Don’t let anyone say differently.

Let me tell you about my date; Taylor, my roommate, did something particularly thoughtful for me as she was picking out who my date would be. Instead of simply picking someone who she liked and thought I would hit it off with, she remembered a comment I made about a specific guy who reminded me of my two guy best friends back home, then she asked him to be my date! Thankfully he said yes because it was phenomenal to hangout with someone that reminded me of home, and hopefully to start becoming friends with this amazing guy! Honestly, I could not imagine having that much fun with anyone else other than him last night.

So cheers, to new friends, and unexpected memories. May many more come our way!

Pause; A shout out to my loved ones.

Do you ever have those moments in life when you cant help but pause and think about how much you wish someone specific was there to experience it with you, or you just have a desire to hug a loved one and talk to them for hours? Well being 8 hours away from home, this seems to happen a lot for me. I constantly have the smile, name, or face of a loved one pop up in my head as I’m going through my days here at APU.

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At least one of the people above pop into my head on a daily basis.

My family because I wish they were here to see how happy I am and experience such an amazing place like this. I miss their constant support and love when I need it, but also to be the silly escape I need whenever possible because they are experts at them.

My sister because she is my best friend. No doubt about it. And no matter what I’m going through she will be there for me. We fly together, forever. And our tattoo is proof of this. Yes of course she will give me crap when I mess up, but thats what sisters do and I know its because she believes I can do great things, and having someone like that walking by your side through life is an amazing thing. AND I MISS MY IPHONE BECAUSE I CANT SNAPCHAT HER 24/7 LIKE WE USED TO.

Vanessa because who wouldn’t want their best friend to be there with them. Every single time I get to do something fun, I cant help but imagine how much better it would be if she were there. She is the one of the few people that can make any moment fun for me. She is the person who seeks adventure with me 24/7, and never turns down my reckless ideas, I mean once she went geocaching with me at 11:30 at night just because she knew I was craving it. She knows when a hug is needed, and when she needs to push me because she know I can be better. I miss her everyday, and I wish she could be by my side through everything.

Sean and Dylan because this dynamic duo are the other people who have the ability to make every moment enjoyable. Even as I lay on the beach injured waiting for an ambulance they have the ability to make me laugh and help me stay positive, trust me I would know. Ahah. These two are some of the most supportive friends I have been blessed with. They challenge me in my faith and constantly boost my self esteem because they know I need it sometimes. These boys accept me as I am and never put me down, they let me vent, and cry, and sleep on their shoulders in times of need or just because I want too. Man do I wish these boys were experiencing APU with me.

So shout out to them, and everyone else in the pictures about. Because every single person up there, as well as Chelsey Burgess (No I didn’t forget about you girly) , has affected me in some way that I wish you were here with me constantly. I love and miss you all, cant wait till winter break!